Warning: This review contains spoilers. (If you give a shit?)
Hailed as one of the worst films ever made, Batman and Robin is a cinematic atrocity. It really is horrible and while I have to admit that I liked this movie when I was a kid I know better now as an adult.
From the second this movie starts it’s bad and it gets worse. The first thing you see are butt shots and BATNIPPLES! You have to touch on the bat nipples because it’s just ridiculous but it’s not the thing that’s holding the movie back. It’s not like if they weren’t in it would be a good movie, it’s just insane that they had to do that for no apparent reason.
The movie also starts off with one of the worst opening lines of all time that just sets the tone for the rest of the film:
Robin: I want a car. Chicks dig the car.
Batman: That’s why Superman works alone.
And from there it goes from bad to worse. The blame of this movie all goes to Joel Schumacher. Everything in this movie is awful. It’s poorly directed, terribly written and horribly acted. Gotham doesn’t even look like real place in this movie. It looks fake and everything is even more colorful than in Batman and Robin.
George Clooney takes the helm of Batman and he is really terrible in this movie and even him will admit that it just didn’t work. He has the same personality as Bruce Wayne and Batman and he’s plays it one note throughout the entire runtime of this movie.
Three new villains are also introduced in this movie and they’re all awful. Some of the worst villains ever to be honest. We first get Arnold as Mr. Freeze and some might say that his performance is chilling.
I love Arnold, but should he have been Mr. Freeze? Fuck no. Every scene he’s in he says nothing but corny one-liners about ice and it’s just so painful to watch.
-What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice age!
-Ice to meet you!
-Let’s kick some ice.
-Allow me to break the ice.
I think you get the point. The opening action scene is so bad and it makes no sense whatsoever. Batman and Robin suit up, head to a museum where Freeze has frozen the security guards in order to steal a diamond and the pair go to fight him and the two have built in ice-skates in their boots.
Why? They play hockey and Robin has a hilarious line “It’s the Hockey team from hell!” The film takes it so seriously too.
People are also flying on wires, Mr. Freeze escapes with Batman on a rocket ship, while Robin climbs the rocket from outside and he’s alive for some reason that defies logic or science. Freeze jumps out of the rocket and turns into a butterfly. Now, at this point in the movie, you ask yourself, how did he get a rocket ship and why does he have one? Nothing makes sense. Batman and Robin escape the rocket just before it explodes and they surf on pieces of the ship and Batman lands on Mr. Freeze.
This scene feels so long and it only takes up ten minutes of screen time. Robin attacks Mr. Freeze by jumping from incredibly far away and gets frozen (he wouldn’t have landed near him). Mr. Freeze also already has plenty of diamonds, so why not just cash them in and find a cure? Spending millions to get millions is just overkill. His hideout is also painfully obvious. Just look at it. How can they not figure out that he’s in there?
We are then introduced to Bane and Poison Ivy and they origin story is atrocious to say the least. Uma Thurman is a good actress but in this movie. Wow. She is so incredibly over the top and her performance is truly awful. And that wig, just look at it!
And Bane is in this movie. Fuck. His character is just a mindless sasquatch on chemo that keeps saying the word “bomb” for no reason whatsoever. All three of these villains are awful, and it’s actually hard to say who is the worst one of the three. Everyone in this movie is awful.
Chris O’Donnell reprises his role as Robin and he is so bad in this film; all he does is complain and whine throughout the entire movie. He’s like Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels, a constant complainer. He has no character arc whatsoever and watching him argue with Batman over who gets Poison Ivy is just so terrible. Which leads to the auction scene. This scene is horrendous. It makes no sense whatsoever. Poison Ivy seduces both superheroes and the two start betting on her. And Batman has a credit card. Yes, the greatest superhero of all time has a credit card everybody. Please. Kill me now.
Alfred, who is again played by Michael Dough, is sick in this movie and he’s dying. He probably gives the best performance in this entire crap fest and he also looks like he doesn’t want to be there but he’s still the best part by far.
And for some reason the writers thought that we needed more characters in this movie and we are introduced to Alicia Silverstone who plays Batgirl. And this is by far one of the most dumbest aspects of this movie. She is Alfred’s niece, not Barbara Gordon like in the comics, because the writers can’t think of any other way of having her show up on Wayne Manor. And while her performance isn’t bad in the movie, it’s her character arc that is just so fucking unbelievable. She races for money and Robin saves her from a cliff (in the world’s worst blue screen effect) and learns by Alfred that Bruce and Dick are Batman and Robin and that he already prepared a suit for her to go out and fight crime. Even though she has no training whatsoever. But I guess it doesn’t matter because anything goes. And I love their impression when they find out too. “Yup. Guess we’ll have to kill her later.” Makes me laugh every time.
The Climax is also horrendous to look at. The special effects are terrible and they magically just change outfits from scene to scene to sell toys because that’s this movie’s soul purpose. It’s mindless action in the worst possible way.
Mr. Freeze gets defeated, Ivy gets swallowed by her plant and Bane looses his venom. It also turns out that Mr. Freeze’s wife has the same disease as Alfred! How convenient! Mr. Freeze gives Batman the cure and Alfred is all better now and Barbara becomes apart of the team. Yay!
Now, in all honesty, Batman and Robin is a cinematic atrocity, but it can also be viewed as so bad that it is good. Get together with a bunch of friends and you’ll have a good time trashing the movie and drinking every time Mr. Freeze says a pun about ice. It’s entertaining in that way and in that way only.
Rating on the it’s so bad it’s good scale: B+